Tuesday, 12 September 2017

#UnpopularOpinion | 20 Reasons Why Autumn is Sh*t


I'm a miserable old bag, but admittedly; I cry laughing at my own jokes more often than I'd care to admit and I find my own dark, dry sense of humour proper funny. For example, when everyone was doing the 100 days of Happiness hashtag on Instagram a few years back, I decided to do my own version - 100 days Raging instead [on my personal Insta, my imperfect angry images didn't fit the aesthetic of my blog Insta] as a sarcastic and dry parody of my life. 

I laugh till I cry at my own expense, seem to keep getting stuck up sh*t creek without a paddle [or even a boat] and definitely don't take myself too seriously; my dignity has long left me and shame hovers over me like a big, hysterical cloud. But I'm okay with it.

At the moment, in my miserable cynicism, I'm seeing loads of 'Reasons I'm Looking Forward to Autumn' posts. And I'm not. At all. So naturally I thought I'd be a knobhead online and write a post on all the reasons I'm REALLY FRIGGING NOT looking forward to it. And here it is. '20 Reasons Why Autumn is a Bell Piece'.


1. It's sh*tting cold.

2. The impending rise of the electric bill. 
I swear, Scottish Power just lurk in the shadows all Summer... and as soon as Autumn hits then BAM! - they're out to bum me with surprise tariffs and what feels like penalty charges for daring to turn my heaters on.

3. Rain.
What a d*ck.

4. Snow.
Slippery, horrible b*stard. Yes I don't like Autumn, but the impending Winter is even more of a wanker for bringing this upon us.

5. The very real risk of having a firework thrown at you.
Yes, I do live in a pretty shady area - but the number of rockets that have nearly been sent to Uranus [my anus] whilst walking down the sinister big hill behind where I live is too many to count. As I write this post, I just heard some kind of firecracker go off and some kids screaming. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

6. The slip, trip and fall risk.
I sound like an old lady / compensation advert here, but as someone who has been seriously injured in an accident that wasn't my fault, this treacherous time of year makes it dangerous underfoot and in my pants; in terms of how much I sh*t myself, worrying about falling.

7. The impending feelings of expense / doom.
Christmas is not a fun time of year when you're as much of a tramp's arse as I am.

8. The impending New Year .
...and realising how sh*t this one has been and how I've done  literally nothing except scroll Twitter and get fatter.

9. It's not Summer.

10. I don't like PSLs.
Hell, I don't even like the abbreviation.


11. Candles.
I don't burn candles often, as I got in trouble with the letting agency  for having done in the past and them staining the walls with their black plumes of smoke. Yeah, cheers Yankee Candle. Plus there's the fact that I'd have to remortgage the flat I can't even afford to rent to buy some of the expensive b*stard candles everyone's burning freely in their homes. Hell, even the Primark ones are out of budget right now.

12. Darkness.
Everything looks about a million times creepier.

13. The very real risk of flipping the channel over to reveal ET.
I hate that creepy b*stard, and the film is pretty much always on at this time of year. It's like ET Roulette flipping the channels; he's gonna be there, but on which one? Usually ITV, I've learned.

14. My washing takes sh*tting AGES to dry.

15. Having to switch my Insta aesthetic up and change blog props.
I like my pink theme. It's so much hassle transitioning to red. Well, it's not really but yeno. WERK.


16. Everyone being happy and loving Christmas
...When to me, Christmas is just a barrage of financial stress and hardship I'd much rather bin off in favour of duvet days and bourbon biscuits. And a massive trigger for my anxiety.

17. The struggle of getting out of bed being even more real.
It's hard enough when it's warm and the sun's streaming through my cheap-arse blinds; let alone when it's pitch black and Scottish Power make it near enough impossible to turn the heaters on without a surprise bumming.

18. Coats.
I HATE wearing coats. As soon as Winter's over, I aggressively bin them. So I'm also sans coat atm, which means more expense.

19. Jumpers and shapeless clothing.
I look like a sack of sh*t.

20. The lack of sun and Vitamin D.
This means my flaky nails get even worse and my brittle arse bones continue to live their deficient lives and get weaker. Jeez, I'm a fossil.


And with that, I'm gonna drop the mic; as I'm aware that everyone else on my Twitter timeline seems to proper love Autumn and I'll probably get lynched for writing this. And despite moaning on like the cantankerous old bag I am, I can't actually stop Autumn from coming [or afford to move to a different climate to avoid it.] But in my sarcastic mind, I've actually lolled all the way through writing this post - and I hope at least some of you will be with me on the points I've raised!

Do you like Autumn / Winter? In which case, have I proper offended you? Soz if so. Or are you more of a Summer gal, like me? Let me know in the comments below. And I still love yas all, even if we do have differing opinions on which seasons of the year are the best. 

Different opinions are great - they're healthy and raising conversation / healthy debate with others on them is fab. What isn't fab is being a cockweed to others about them on social media and refusing to accept anyone else's opinion but your own. Which I'd never do. 

Raise them PSLs high gals [just nowhere near me!] and let's embrace our differences. And then possibly embrace me too, cos I get no action these days and I'm miserable about that as well.

PSL out.

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