Monday, 23 October 2017

#Personal | Smooth Moving & DISASTEROUS Chat-Up Lines*


I don't take myself particularly seriously, let's be honest. I once made a customer cry laughing at my stories of shame & life failures. This roflcopter situation was generated by me recalling that time my debit card was declined for a solitary can of Smart Price tuna in Asda. As he managed to regain his composure, the customer asked me 'Why are you happy, how are you always laughing?' and I simply replied with 'I'm always laughing because my life's a joke.' Which summarises my entire existence in one hit.

Today's dating post [cos tbh, I overshare like a beast on my blog these days and I just sit here yelling YOLO most of the time as I write - as well as swearing madly at the arsehole man who lives above me] is another special; sponsored by copious amounts of booze and shame. Today I'm talking terrible chat-up lines - sharing some of the most embarrassing sh*te I've used in my previous quests to woo idiot boys.

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The Inflatable Hammer Incident

I met this guy once on a night out, who I pretty much fell in love with. He was pretty shy initially though, and seemed a little wary of how kinda... wild I must have been after all the Jager. He definitely needed loosening up a bit, so I somehow acquired a RAGIN' inflatable squeaky hammer [to this day, I don't know where this bad lad came from] and chased him through the streets of said tacky northern coastal resort; bashing him with it until he'd neck on with me. Romance is not dead, clearly. But it worked. Even when I referred to myself as MC Hammer.

Smooth Movin'

This one makes me die a bit inside - we're talking like, toe cringingly tragic. But that's also what makes it so fantastic. I once pulled this guy who saved himself in my phone as 'Jakky Babz xx' and stopped texting me on the same night we swapped numbers; after I got a bit too emotional over a bangin' tray of chips, cheese & gravy I was eating. I sat down next to him, leaned in and whispered 'I'M A SMOOTH MOVER!' right down his earhole, before we had a cheeky neck for a bit. 100% success rate.

Blowholes

There's pretty much nothing I won't discuss with random members of the public; sober or smashed off me tits on Jagerbombs. I remember once, getting into a really intense conversation with a lad in a shady basement club about dolphin's blowholes. It was... educational. My mate then accidentally pulled the hand-dryer off the wall in the bogs and we just put it in the bin and fled. 

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Horseface

I've alluded to Horseface in a couple of my other dating posts, but this horsey b*stard was my ultimate wingman for a while. 100% success rate. Horseface - despite being my most successful pulling prop to date - was a virtual companion in my life. I had an app on my phone called My Horse... you see where this incredibly tragic tale [or tail, if you wanna be a bit punny] is going. 

I don't even know why I was so into this app, I'm not even mad on horses. But the app was like having a cyber pet I guess; this horse that you could clean and feed and enter into competitions. And you could dress it in these cute jackets and that. 

And after a few bevs, I'd become like a proud parent... not shy when it came to sharing Horseface's latest rosettes and achievements with those around me. My eyes would pure well up in tears as I'd be proudly showing lads in Bumper what my cyber wingman had been up to recently. He must have made an impression though, as often - after I'd parted ways and gone home to my own bed [alone] after a cheeky neck; my beau for the evening would, 9/10, ask how Horseface was doing the next day. Hahahahahahaha.

You BUMDER

I met a group of Ozzie blokes once, who'd never seen The Inbetweeners. Which, quite frankly, shook me to the core. I took it upon myself therefore, to teach them some of the finer quotes in the series. But I couldn't remember many, apart from when Will yells at Neil's Dad 'You BUMDER!!!!', thanks to the steadily rising levels of Jager in my system. So with this in mind, I somehow forced a group of rowdy Australian fellas to yell 'YOU BUMDER!' as loudly as they could [which they did, cos they a] thought at least one of them was in there and b] had no idea what was happening] whilst I recorded it. Triumph

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I love getting to know new people... and even though these chat-up lines [if you can even call them that!] are as embarrassing as HELL; they're also incredibly funny, and bring back lots of hilar memories of nights with the girls & some of the mad b*stards you end up getting to know over a few bevvies. 

I've never tried online dating or apps like Tinder before, but I love reading articles & success stories that've stemmed from them - and hearing your feedback on my personal / relationship posts about the best dating sites and romantic encounters that you've been on, too. 

If you wanna get out there and meet someone, but you're perhaps not as erm... embarrassing / out there as I am when it comes to starting conversations with pure randomers, dating sites are a fantastic place to start. For you southern singles, this Cornwall dating site [or perhaps this dating agency Oxfordshire] could lead you on your next adventure... or if you're a tad more northern, websites such as this Lincolnshire dating site or this Nottinghamshire dating site could hold the key to finding your very own MC Hammer.

Remember gals, never settle. Find yourself someone who looks at you like I looked at Horseface. Never has a cyber pet been so well loved.

*This post contains sponsored links, cos ya girl's gotta eat occasionally, yeno?

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