Tuesday, 14 November 2017

#Personal | A Dating DISASTER & Professor Green*


We've all tried different approaches when it comes to pulling - you may have read my disastrous approach to chat up lines post herebut have you ever tried something... a little different to woo someone? 

I'm not talking about proudly whipping out yer cyber pet, Horseface to show off his latest rosettes... or drunkenly singing to the men in the chippy as they process your order of chips, cheese and gravy [Mr Chips, I love you.] I'm talking about a hilarious fail I had once at a Professor Green gig [I frigging LOVE that guy, listen to his lyrics and you'll see why] involving a erm.. prop I acquired from the toilets. 

Yes, that sounds dodgy as hell ... but it's definitely a bit of click bait innit; you've kinda got to read on after that. Am I talking about a bog brush, a failed interaction with a piece of loo roll stuck to my shoe [classic smooth movin'] or a more sinister toilet-related piece of merchandise? Read on to find out queens; read on.

Lovelaughslipstick blog dating disasters

So, to set the scene. I went to a Pro Green gig with me mate from work a few years ago. We became massively obsessed with him; firstly, because he's a tattooed BABE and secondly, because of his lyrics - as I mentioned before. We listened to his inappropriate raps and glorious swearing at full blast over the shop's sound system day after day. No wonder the store eventually closed down, but hell - we had a great time whilst it lasted. 

At the time I was gloriously single and having a hoot. A disastrous hoot, but fun non-the-less. And so was my buddy. So yeno, we weren't opposed to meeting some fitties; or Pro Green himself, like. We went for a meal in the Wetherspoons beforehand and had a couple of vinos [standard] before we headed to the gig. And obv, a bottle or so down, we went off to the bogs for a pitstop before we left to see our idol in action.

Lovelaughslipstick blog dating disasters red flowers

Being the mature, responsible adults we definitely were weren't, after some toilet selfies we turned our tipsy attentions to the vending machines mounted to the walls. You know, those ones - the pure dodgy venders packed full of cock rings, connies and mini strap ons. And we noticed, at the bottom of the listings, there were these like; wipes. Wipes covered in pheromones or whatever those chemicals are that we give off subconsciously to attract blokes. And we weren't gonna miss out on that opportunity after a few bevs. Well, I wasn't, anyway.

I put my cash in and boom - out these magical wipes shot. They promised to 'guarantee you a man' and had pure sexy icons all over them  - worth a try. Then I noticed a monumental error. The bloody vending machine had dispensed the wrong ones. It dispensed the woman wipes. Me & Claire thought it was hilarious - even a machine thought it would be impossible to find me a bloke, so it dished out the most logical solution; a woman, instead. 

I lolled and lolled and doubted that these wipes would even have worked anyway; having originated from the bogs in a shady local pub. So as to not waste my 2 quid [cos this treasure chest of cock memorabilia didn't give refunds] I rubbed the woman wipe all over my wrists & off we popped; to swoon over Pro Green and rap like the bad ass mofos we definitely aren't.

Lovelaughslipstick blog dating disasters technic cosmetics lipgloss

Turns out, these bloody wipes actually worked. Just hilariously, in the total opposite way of what I set out for. This girl totally came over and started talking to me at the concert, stood with us for the whole time, added me on Facebook and was like 'OMG tag me in all your videos, pls.' Claire was legit p*ssing herself onboard the roflcopter, I'd become a chick-magnet for just £2 from a bog vending machine... using the sh*ttest looking wipe that smelled like window cleaner, from the most fossilised looking cardboard box we'd ever seen. Fail. But also, strangely successful, at the same time?!

Lovelaughslipstick blog dating disasters bouquet of flowers

Despite the fails, cringes and disasters dating subjects us too; it's a lot of fun and can lead to new friendships, relationships, experiences and rofling that end up being written into future blog posts - like this! 

If you'd prefer meeting that special someone via more... planned methods [and not some shady looking wipes for £2 in yer local's bogs] the world wide web has a countless array of sites you can easily sign up for. 

Whether you're a little older and seeking some senior dating action or young, single & ready to hardcore mingle - our mate the internet has gotcha. Simply click for a little help with Wiltshire dating - or if you're seeking a little northern lovin' some Yorkshire dating action might be more your thing? Hell, if you're feeling a bit posh; join an agency! This Isle of Wight dating agency or perhaps a more central one [such as this Bedfordshire dating agency] could be the place to meet your very own Pro Green!


Lovelaughslipstick blog dating disasters First Date Saturated Colour Lipstick

What's the weirdest prop you've ever used to pull? Have you ever bought anything hilarious out of those toilet vending machines? Whilst we're on that subject, I also actually once bought a condom with a cats head on the end [complete with ears] from a bog vender once - just because I frigging love cats and my dedication to them is even stronger after a bev [or 12!]
*This post contains sponsored links, cos ya girl's gotta try and fend of poverty, debt and bailiffs somehow. Or at least try to, like!
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