Wednesday, 13 July 2016

Expectation vs Reality: Part #11 | The £3.99 Shorts

Hey guys! It's been a while since I've posted a good old Expectation vs Reality post [mostly because I've been too poor to order anything for the series!] but a scratchcard came good for me the other week, so we're back in business [temporarily.] Go on, my son *fist pump*


Before I kick off into a mad attack of opinions and [potentially] inappropriate photos - let's recap, for any of you who may not know what this series is all about; or might need a quick refresher to blast those cobwebs away.


I am one of the poorest people in the land - if not all time ever. I'll hold my hands up high and admit that I am that girl; the one whose card has been declined for a solitary can of Smart Price tuna, who scavenges food off others like a massive, tanned seagull and the kinda bird who sees a penny on the floor and has to pick it up - regardless of the high potential it has to be covered in scally urine.


Combine this with the fact I have an uncontrollable urge to buy things, an addiction to online shopping and that I am also a self confessed eBay junkie - and you have the basis to this series [bargains are my equivalent of crack.]


When I buy something - no matter how cheap it is - I want to know what I'm getting will be sh*t hot, not just plain old sh*t. But sadly, more often than not, that amazing looking playsuit you got for a quid and that looked pure fit on the model, turns out to be nothing more than a sick joke with lace on.


This, my friends, is what the cool kids call an
'Expectation vs Reality' moment. You know what I mean; you order an absolute bargain online that looks like it's going to be a pure fitty, but then when it arrives... you don't know whether to laugh or cry because of how terrible it is. And sometimes, you just give up and do both; simultaneously. THAT.


This series tests out some of the cheapest bargains of the internets, to see if they meet the expectations that their stock imagery suggests. Kind of like a cool Watchdog; with much less Anne Robinson and much more swearing.


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Expectation vs Reality: Part #11 > The £3.99 Shorts



[I know this second image says the total cost is £4.51, but I paid £3.92 inc postage for mine - they must have upped their prices due to 'demand'!]

Expectation > I bought two pairs of paperbag shorts from two different sellers on eBay; one pair in black and one pair in beige [or as they describe it, 'Khaki.'] I don't know what I was expecting by doing this really - both eBay stores are based in China and both used pretty much the same stock imagery to peddle their wares, but hell; for experiment's sake [and the sake of 7p] I ordered from two different places.


I'm around a size 12 at the moment; however, although these hips of mine do break, they don't lie - so I often have to get a 14 to contain them. 'Child bearing hips' they've been referred to - the irony being that I might not be able to have kids, due to how turd my bone density is. ANYWAY. A story for another day, that. 

With all that mad reasoning in mind, I ordered a size XL from both stores; described as being a size 12 - 14. Sounds perfect, right? This might not seem like a big thing or even a point worth making, but if you've read any of my previous Expectation vs Reality posts [and I highly recommend you do, although I am bias as hell] you'll know that Asian sizing is one massive gamble. Get it wrong and you'll end up donating whatever you bought to your pet to wear as a jumper. Would this be the case with these shorts, or was I onto a winner?





*All stock imagery / screenshots used in this post are taken directly from the listings on eBay 

Reality > Wow. Prepare yourselves mentally and physically for the photos to follow. I've faced many challenges in my life, but none quite as traumatic as threading the waist belt / tie through these bastards. Blood, sweat, tears and TREMENDOUS amounts of swearing were sacrificed in order to get the belt through both pairs of shorts. The belt came separate you see; just wapping around in the bottom of the plastic bag the shorts were in. Just another sick twist in this tale.

Both colours are totes see through [you can pretty much see my arse winking at you through the beige ones] and once again, it appears that in this case; when you reduce costs, you also reduce the amount of dignity you have left to your name.

I ordered size XLs and they're ridiculously small. Like, I'd need an XXXXXL for these to fit anything like they do in the stock images. They're short, tight and give you unspeakable wedgies on all fronts. They also both have a comedic faux pocket on the arse - why bother? You can't be arsed to thread the belt through, but you've stitched a sh*tty strand of material on the arse to emulate a pocket? Priorities, lads.





So these are the beige monstrosities. Were the black shorts from the other seller any better? 

LOL - as if! If anything, they're worse. You expect a smidge of see-throughness with lighter colours, but not with black. LOL. Here they are, paperthin rather than paperbag - and whoever made them couldn't be arsed to stitch the label in the right way round, for additional giggles.




Of course, the faux arse pocket makes a reappearance


Yeah, it's proper sound to buy totally see through shorts. Cheers eBay

Brace yourselves, guys - my arse is coming. I tried to pull these 'high waisted' shorts down a bit to avoid wedgies of all kinds, but some riding up was inevitable with these pieces of sh*t. This is what they looked like on...







In what way on God's green earth do these look like the photos? Cute, oversized and high-waisted they are clearly not. The only thing high about them is how high they chafe up my arse. 

Conclusion > There's no way on this living earth that these can be classed as 'Paperbag shorts.' They're more like 'Dog-Poo-Bag shorts.' See through, small, wedgie inducing and made of some mad waterproof esque material; these monstrosities have full on disappointed me. Though I don't really know what I expected really - 99% of what I review for this series makes me do a full on vom in my mouth.


If you've got a few quid to spare and fancy a good giggle / feeling like a massive whopper when a size XL is miles too small for you, you can order these shorts all over eBay right now. Though in all honesty, I wouldn't bother like. Spend your hard earned cash on something worthwhile instead; like Bourbon biscuits.


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What are your thoughts? Have you had any epic 'Expectation vs Reality' moments with things you've bought online, or any actually amazing bargains off eBay?


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