Saturday, 30 December 2017

TRAAAAA 2017, You Utter Cock Womble


I'm all for being positive and finding the good in every situation, but when it comes to 2017, it's pretty f*cking hard, man. Talk about clutching at straws. Even though I do try to be less of a miserable old hag when it comes to looking back at life events, I'm also very much aware that you can't polish a turd and that sometimes, you've gotta just accept that life has dealt you a whopping great plate of sh*te & it's tough titties all round.

2017, ladies & gentlemen

For me, this year has been a sh*tting write off. And as much as I am loving reading everyone's threads about how much they've achieved this year & how far they've come, it doesn't change the fact that for me personally, 2017 has been the absolute pits. I know I'm still dead privileged compared to a lot of people & things could be a lot worse ... I should probably stop whining ... but I can't help the way I feel about this year, lads. Soz.

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2017 has seen me spending weeks at a time in hospital, pretty much not being able to leave the house all year, enjoying agonising pain every second of every day and undergoing three major operations / various medical procedures in the space of like, three months. And fighting off a potentially deadly bone infection inbetween said surgeries. Whilst also trying to juggle a full time job and blogging - simultaneously fighting off debt collectors & ignoring calls. I mean, it's been SH*TE. And very full-on.

I'm personally very happy to bid 2017 farewell and issue it it's immediate eviction notice from my life. Though there has been good times and I've achieved quite a lot [considering how bloody buggered I've been for the majority of it] the downsides to the year have definitely overshadowed the good. So now I'm finally in a position where I can [hopefully] start healing, I'm way hyped for 2018 and welcoming in a year of opportunity and reduced poverty. Here's a quick round-up of some areas of my 2017 - you're in for a right barrel of laughs here tbh. The good, the bad and the outright hilar; all under one roof.

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Twitter
In between having some fella compare me to the crust that comes off his ballsack [r u ok hun?], being trolled  by a naked woman hanging out in her Ma's rockery and that DELIGHTFUL girl who messaged me to let me know that I'm tacky and she hates me ['you're better than that'] Twitter has been fuuuuuun this year. And of course within this mix, there's also the creepy AF DM requests I pretend I haven't seen but die lolling at. Trolololol.

I began a revolution on there at like, 1am the other night, where I went a bit rogue and wrote this huge thread of swearing & trademark sarcastic humour & hatred towards people being pricks online and I feel that this was my moment. I peaked, lost a few followers when I said the word 'poo' and gained a few for my love of cursing. Twitter 2017, in a nutshell.

Instagram
Aside from Faela, Tan Towel and Dr Maery's follow / unfollowing ploys and constant bot comments [I've been forced to threaten to sh*t in Maery's blender & spam her life with dirty protests in our constant state of warfare] ... oh and the shadow bans, spam comments, raging bots and follow / unfollow bellpieces, Insta has been fun in 2017. Though frustrating as f*ck.

I joined a couple of pods in 2017; though for most of the time, I haven't actually done anything in any of them, except stop by for a sip of tea & a rofl. But through pod life 2017, I have of course become close friends with a group of blogging baes I couldn't have COPED without in 2017 and who I'd class as legit bezzies. We've shared voicenotes, exclusive new music releases, nudes, videos, memes, banter & a whole host of life experiences together over the past few months & I love these gals tons [#Gay4Squard.]

I've spent the majority of my time on the 'Gram messaging people asking them to stop follow / unfollowing me tbh; and lolling at some of the excuses, reactions and knobbish behaviour I have received in return. Not just from bloggers either - soooo many 'companies' have felt my wrath for this sh*tty behaviour this year. My fav was that gal who got proper touchy when I [politely] called her out on her behaviour, somewhat lost her sh*t & blocked me... before going on to publish a blog post about how she'd organically grown her following on Insta & how you can too. Hmmmm. Okay hun xoxo

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Blogging
I've had some really fab opportunities via the old blog this year; which I'm way grateful for. I won't lie, my schedule's gone to sh*t and I'm still working through writing a backlog of posts [thanks to how ill I've been and how much time I've spent in a hospital bed, I have fallen behind somewhat] but I've had a right nice time with it overall.

And of course, I've had some cracking spam emails throughout 2017 - that thread I had with that blag woman in Burkino Faso with the 'cancer problem' - who replied to me with her fake photos - made my existence. Also that Richard guy who's doing the rounds at the moment, asking for nudes without shame. God loves a trier, lad

Health
LOL. I'm not even going there. 0/10 would not recommend or bang.

Money
LOLOLOL

Achievements
Got fat. Broke several hips. Had a few breakdowns. Lived life with a raging bone infection. Didn't murder bae - but also had a total year of celibacy LOLOLOL. Won a few comps, the prizes from which I'm forever grateful for. Made the postman blush when Leanne sent me a condom in my Christmas card. Didn't stand in dog sh*t all year. 20/10 life goals.


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WOW 2017 was a crock of shit.

All this being said - I am extremely hyped for 2018. Like, even if a seagull shat on my head everyday for the entire 365 days, it would still beat the ultimate sh*tshow that has been 2017

I've had to put my life on hold in effect for pretty much an entire frigging calendar year, so I'm determined that this year should be a chance to make up for all the lost time. I'm talking holidays in the sun, 16 million Jagerbombs, cheese, leaving the house & liaising with humans other than Paul the Postman, slutdropping on tables at 3am and weeping over cute animals at Pets At Home. I might even rejoin the gym for a laugh to shed the 312 chins I've gained in 2017. Who's in?


Happy New Year, gang xo
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