Monday, 18 December 2017

#Personal | Dating & Relationships, 10 Things That Would [Probs] Win My Heart


I'd say I'm pretty easy going when it comes to dating other humans. I'm not arsed about pure posh restaurant reservations, will always offer to pay my way [even if inside I'm desperately screaming 'PLS SAY NO COS THIS CARD'S GONNA GET DECLINED LOL'] and I don't expect to be treated like some kind of endangered species... but there are a few little things I guess which would, if I was to date ya, help sway the vote in your favour. Here's ten of them.

Lovelaughslipstick Blog #Personal | Dating & Relationships, 10 Things That Would [Probs] Win My Heart


1. Cheese. You're probably best taking the mature cheddar or camembert route - but pls, don't bring me Tesco's own-brand cheddar - that stuff smells like raw horsesh*te & I'll probably vom.

2. Be willing to potentially sacrifice your white, indie AF pumps to dog poo for me. I wrote about this romantic encounter in this post, and it is still possibly one of the most romantic tales ever to be retold in 2017.

3. Have a similarly unhealthy obsession with Borderforce UK / Nothing To Declare in the same way I do.

4. And Monkey World.

5. Kinder Buenos [yes, multiple] will always go down well.

6. Don't smell. Yeno, like, have a wash. Mild BO doesn't offend me that much; it can be quite erotic, on the right people. But hands that smell like you've been sat scratching your balls all day, anything to do with feet, bad breath or weird poo-like lingering aromas will be deal-breakers.

7. Don't play pure games - just be honest and not a d*ck. Yeno? I'd a million times rather someone was just honest with me rather than lied or tried to hide things. Just keep things simple. Not everything in life has to be like Hollyoaks. And remember, as Rod and Tod taught us in The Simpsons: 'Lies make baby Jesus cry.' You don't wanna p*ss off JC, lads.

8. Have pets. If you have pretty much any form of pet, this  will increase your chances of survival by at least 32%. And if you have a lady friend for Mr Balls so we can go on double dates then lad - I'll be proposing on date 2. 

9. Keep the romance alive. No matter how many dates in you are. Leaving skiddies in my toilet bowl, not bothering to plan nice dates or forgetting I even exist when you're out for drinks decreases your chances of long term dating by at least 37.5% - but increases your chances of meeting the angry & psychotic version of me by at least 80%.

10. Don't be a massive d*ck. Have a massive d*ck - I defo wouldn't complain about that. But being one is a totally different kettle of fish and I just really do not understand why some people think their behaviour is okay. If you're gonna be a tit, don't date. Like if you wanna talk to loads of girls and spread your little peen worldwide go ahead, that's fine - but don't do it whilst lying about your intentions, ya get me?

Lovelaughslipstick Blog #Personal | Dating & Relationships, 10 Things That Would [Probs] Win My Heart

There's probably millions more deal breakers / personal preferences like these I could think of when it comes to dating and relationships, but we'll save them for another post, hey? 

Dating and finding out more about the other person [especially their turn off / ons] can be super fun, and is a great way to meet new friends; even if they don't end up being 'the one.' 

Online dating has changed the way we meet people forever - meaning more & more singletons are heading onto the good old world wide web / picking up their phones to see what's out there. Cos let's face it, it can be hard to meet appropriate potentials in other ways - clubs seem to be home of pure mad bastards grindin' on the dancefloor [against / with anything remotely alive] and workplace romances are not always a great shout ... so where else ya gonna look? The postman, Uber driver [to be fair there's a couple that pick me up sometimes that I would marry in a heartbeat] or your GP; trying to chat him up as he's examining that boil on yer left arse cheek?

Lovelaughslipstick Blog #Personal | Dating & Relationships, 10 Things That Would [Probs] Win My Heart

Here's a few sites you might wanna try your luck with, if you're plunging back into the dating pool. Hertfordshire singles might wanna try this site to track down their dream partner [no Tesco stinky cheese included] or perhaps if you're looking to crack the Wiltshire dating scene you might wanna get signed up with that linked agency. This Derbyshire dating site may very well be home to your Mr Big [though, didn't he turn out to be a bit of an arsehole? Maybe not him - better] or sites such as these may prove to be right good little matchmakers when it comes to Buckinghamshire dating or Cornwall dating.

What floats your boat when it comes to dating?
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