Monday, 19 February 2018

Dating & Relationships | How To Get Over A Gobsh*te; Dua Lipa Style*


The dreaded Gobsh*te. They're everywhere. And also, a word that I defo don't hear used enough - especially when it's so perfect for describing the utter turd burglars that are our ex-partners, ex-lovers, ex-roomies or ex-friends.  Or all four; rolled into one, hybrid nightmare.

Today's dating post is going to be dedicated to tips for getting over a gobsh*te successfully, with a little inspo from Dua Lipa... and pls, feel free to add your own ideas and lyrics in the comments below. Think of this post as like, a d*ckhead database - and refer back to it during times of nearly caving and drunk texting him. Or her.

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Lovelaughslipstick x Dua Lipa's New Rules:

1. Don't pick up the phone 
... or believe a single word that falls out of his gob and / or into a text message past midnight. Whereas I drunk text because that person is on my mind & also, because I like to express inappropriate professions of love and ruin my own life; the gobsh*te will most likely only ever call or text if they want to get their end away. Like a mating call. 

I was seeing this boy once who used to leave me cute, drunk voicemails about how much he liked me & wanted to see me, and I picked up the phone like a sucker everytime because he had a cute accent, a sleeve of tattoos & a six pack. But ultimately, he was a proper bellend & I had to cut him off because he wasn't doing me any good. And block him when he poked me on Facebook. Whereas when I'm drunk, I tend to text boys about horses or egg & spoon races... not just to secure my next bang. Dua Lipa would always answer my calls.

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2. Don't let him in
... you'll never get rid of the lazy bugger if ya do - and is a quickie after too many Jagers really worth the emotional sabotage? Plus I don't know about you, but when I'm HANGINNNNN' the morning after, alls I wanna do is have a sit down shower for about 2 hours and wash away the shame of having fallen over in front of that lad I was sorta-seeing-once, how I told a girl in the toilets about how proud I am of my pet hamster's life achievements [whilst weeping] and text incoherent shite to the work colleague's group chat about potatoes & cheese; which I'll have to face up to on Monday.

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3. Don't be his friend
... I broke up with someone once because he was proper getting on me tits / things just weren't working; and he was FUMING about it. I told him 'we could still be friends' but he lost his sh*t and got all diva-y about it... which I totally wasn't expecting. He said 'I've got enough friends, I don't need another one' and I was like okay then m8, bit ungrateful that like... bye. But [despite the fact this guy did go a bit rogue] I get what he meant now. If you carry on speaking to someone - or seeing them as a friend after you've broken up [especially straight after] it's like nothing's really changed. Except everything has

Look at all the sh*t that used to / still does go on in Geordie Shore. Heads & hearts get battered and before you know it, Psycho Charlotte is headbutting Gary because it's an actual mind-f*ck situation ... and the friend thing has led her to believe there's still something there, but he's just necked 2 girls in front of her. And the next day, she questions her entire life and why it's so hard to see & talk to him all the time. RELATABLE AF. I love Charlotte Crosby

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Do you agree with Dua's rules, and my take on them? What else would you add to the list? I think I'd probably also add:

4. Delete [even if only temporarily] him from your phonebook once you've had a bevvy. Drunk texting is the DEVIL!

5. Don't - I repeat don't stalk his social media profiles. You'll only snoop until you find something you don't wanna see - like a comment on a status, a load of pics he's liked of another girl or incriminating photos from his lads' holiday to Ibiza... and then you'll feel like a fully fledged member of MI5 but also like someone's just yanked ya stomach out / stamped on your heart / shat all over your parade

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They say the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone... which yeno, might not be the best ever idea sometimes; but if you're looking to meet someone new [& make sure that you keep yourself safe whilst doing it] can definitely help take your mind off the break-up. You might want to find a new forever bae or perhaps enjoy a little naughty dating experience or two - and the endless opportunities of online dating can help you do just that.

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No matter how crappy it is at first; as Dua very wisely advises through her blossoming singing career & latest releases... once you've followed these New Rules, you'll soon look back at that ex of yours & happily exclaim IDGAF.

I so proud of these song puns.
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