The dreaded Gobsh*te. They're everywhere. And also, a word that I defo don't hear used enough - especially when it's so perfect for describing the utter turd burglars that are our ex-partners, ex-lovers, ex-roomies or ex-friends. Or all four; rolled into one, hybrid nightmare.
Today's dating post is going to be dedicated to tips for getting over a gobsh*te successfully, with a little inspo from Dua Lipa... and pls, feel free to add your own ideas and lyrics in the comments below. Think of this post as like, a d*ckhead database - and refer back to it during times of nearly caving and drunk texting him. Or her. These rules apply whether you're dating or have married said person - and if this is the case and you need a little help legally with your breakup / divorce (something which is a little out of Dua's abilities), check out petersmay.com for guidance.
Lovelaughslipstick x Dua Lipa's New Rules:
1. Don't pick up the phone
... or believe a single word that falls out of his gob and / or into a text message past midnight. Whereas I drunk text because that person is on my mind & also, because I like to express inappropriate professions of love and ruin my own life; the gobsh*te will most likely only ever call or text if they want to get their end away. Like a mating call.
I was seeing this boy once who used to leave me cute, drunk voicemails about how much he liked me & wanted to see me, and I picked up the phone like a sucker everytime because he had a cute accent, a sleeve of tattoos & a six pack. But ultimately, he was a proper bellend & I had to cut him off because he wasn't doing me any good. And block him when he poked me on Facebook. Whereas when I'm drunk, I tend to text boys about horses or egg & spoon races... not just to secure my next bang. Dua Lipa would always answer my calls.
2. Don't let him in
... you'll never get rid of the lazy bugger if ya do - and is a quickie after too many Jagers really worth the emotional sabotage? Plus I don't know about you, but when I'm HANGINNNNN' the morning after, alls I wanna do is have a sit down shower for about 2 hours and wash away the shame of having fallen over in front of that lad I was sorta-seeing-once, how I told a girl in the toilets about how proud I am of my pet hamster's life achievements [whilst weeping] and text incoherent shite to the work colleague's group chat about potatoes & cheese; which I'll have to face up to on Monday.
3. Don't be his friend
... I broke up with someone once because he was proper getting on me tits / things just weren't working; and he was FUMING about it. I told him 'we could still be friends' but he lost his sh*t and got all diva-y about it... which I totally wasn't expecting. He said 'I've got enough friends, I don't need another one' and I was like okay then m8, bit ungrateful that like... bye. But [despite the fact this guy did go a bit rogue] I get what he meant now. If you carry on speaking to someone - or seeing them as a friend after you've broken up [especially straight after] it's like nothing's really changed. Except everything has.
Look at all the sh*t that used to / still does go on in Geordie Shore. Heads & hearts get battered and before you know it, Psycho Charlotte is headbutting Gary because it's an actual mind-f*ck situation ... and the friend thing has led her to believe there's still something there, but he's just necked 2 girls in front of her. And the next day, she questions her entire life and why it's so hard to see & talk to him all the time. RELATABLE AF. I love Charlotte Crosby.
Do you agree with Dua's rules, and my take on them? What else would you add to the list? I think I'd probably also add:
4. Delete [even if only temporarily] him from your phonebook once you've had a bevvy. Drunk texting is the DEVIL!
5. Don't - I repeat don't stalk his social media profiles. You'll only snoop until you find something you don't wanna see - like a comment on a status, a load of pics he's liked of another girl or incriminating photos from his lads' holiday to Ibiza... and then you'll feel like a fully fledged member of MI5 but also like someone's just yanked ya stomach out / stamped on your heart / shat all over your parade.
They say the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone... which yeno, might not be the best ever idea sometimes; but if you're looking to meet someone new [& make sure that you keep yourself safe whilst doing it] can definitely help take your mind off the break-up. You might want to find a new forever bae or perhaps enjoy a little naughty dating experience or two - and the endless opportunities of online dating can help you do just that.
No matter how crappy it is at first; as Dua very wisely advises through her blossoming singing career & latest releases... once you've followed these New Rules, you'll soon look back at that ex of yours & happily exclaim IDGAF.
I so proud of these song puns.
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